Politics and Sex

I'm not one to comment on either politics or sex (unless I'm personally involved), but I'm making an exception. This is funny.

Let's Get Naked

I enjoy making people laugh. I think all of us do. A lot of people tell me that they enjoy my humorous writings. I had a friend who took some classes at an improv theatre, and they helped make him funnier. So, I figure, I should be able to improve my funniness. As I'm prone to do, I did some research and bought a few books about how to be funny.

The first one arrived, and it was a shocker. First of all, it says the essence of humor is insight. The funny people are the ones that have the ability to see the world a bit differently than the rest of the people on the planet. They see the ordinary things in unusual ways. And there is a formula by which an insight becomes something funny. "That's good," I think to myself, "because I think I already see things differently, so I can learn to better turn those insights into funny stuff."

Now the shocking part: if you really want to develop as a comic, even if it's just writing more humorously, you have to master stand-up comedy. Stand-up is the essence of comedy -- turning insights into laughs, and getting immediate feedback from the audience. Anyone who does any kind of humorous work has experience in stand-up. If you master stand-up, you can do any kind of comedy. "Okay," I think to myself, "that sounds a little scary." Well, that's not all. The book is about developing your comedic muscle, so the exercise on day one is to book yourself for an "open mic" for a month from now, even if you don't know jack about stand-up today.

I'm at the point in my life where I get a kick out of doing things that scare me to death, and live through them. Doing stand-up would be one of those. I've never really thought about it before, but now that I've been considering the possibility for the past week, it's got to be one of the rawest forms of nakedness there is -- standing all alone on a stage, with just a mic, and an audience daring you to make them laugh. I'm in!

But if I'm going to get naked like this, I want others to join me. Any takers? We can get together every few days to go through the steps together. One of the first things that the course requires is finding a "comedy buddy" because you can't develop material by yourself. You need to bounce ideas off of other people and get feedback on your thoughts. So, even if you don't have the guts to get on the stage, you can be a comedy buddy, and help the rest of us develop our 3 minute stand-up routines. In a month or two, we'll put on what may be Saipan's first Stand-Up night. If you want to get going now, order the book, The Comedy Bible, by Judy Carter.

So, who's going to join me? Boni? Brad? Jeff ? Angelo? Mark? Russ? Anyone else? This is an open invitation.

Easy Grammar Fixes

This was the title of my Saipan Tribune column for today. You'll recognize that I plagiarized from my own blog, but I did come up with some original material too. I enjoyed twisting the piece. Let me know what you think.

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I've been learning a lot of English lately. Granted, I grew up speaking this language, but I never really paid much attention in grammar class. So, all my life, I've wondered about certain words, which is pretty ridiculous for a college graduate. Now that I'm having people edit my writing for a book I’m completing, I'm learning all kinds of things! My eyes glaze over when they start throwing around rules with words like "subjunctive clause," "gerund," and "object of a preposition." So I look for easy shortcuts to remember this stuff. There are a few grammar mistakes that are very common, but that are actually very easy to fix with some simple tricks.

When should I use “Whom” and when “Who”?

Here is one that confuses a lot of people. When do you use "whom" and when do you use "who"? Here is the easy way to get it right. If you can answer the question with the word "him," then use "whom." If you can answer the question with the word "he," then use "who."

"_____ did you go to rob the poker place with?" "I went to rob the poker place with HIM." So, you would use "whom." (The proper way to phrase this question is "With whom did you go to rob the poker place," but it sounds kind of snooty to most people, so they don't. But if you remember the him/he thing, you'll get it right, even if you put the "with" in the wrong place.)

"_____ went to the pawn shop?" "HE went to the pawn shop." So, you would use "who."

The rule has to do with being the object of a preposition, but my mind can never figure that out in a pinch. Just stick with the him/he thing and you'll always get it right.

“Its” or “It’s”

"Its" vs. "It's" can be confusing because most of the time, when we want to make something possessive, we add an apostrophe and an "s". If we want to say that the coconut belongs to the tree, we write, "It is the tree’s coconut." So, we mistakenly believe that we need to write "It is it’s coconut." We put an apostrophe on the "its." That is not correct. "Its" is a possessive pronoun, just like "His" (which also ends in an "s" but doesn't need an apostrophe to indicated possessiveness.)

Sorry, I’m using confusing words like “possessive pronoun.” Here is the easy answer. The word "it" only has an apostrophe when it's a contraction of "It is." (Did you notice I just used it).

So, the above sentence -- "It is the tree's coconut" -- could become "It's the tree's coconut," or "It is its coconut," or "It's its coconut."

Bottom line: If you can replace "its" with "it is," then use an apostrophe. If not, don't.

“I” or “me”?

There is often confusion about the phrase “You and I.” Some people grow up getting constantly corrected for saying “You and me,” that they think they’re always supposed to say “You and I.” Not true. It depends on how the phrase is used. The easy way to figure out whether you should say “I” or “me” is to drop the “you and.” So, for example, is it, “You and me spit pugua,” or “You and I spit pugua”? Drop the “you and.” Which one is correct, “Me spit pugua,” or “I spit pugua?” Obviously, it’s “I spit pugua,” so you would say “You and I spit pugua.” What about this case: “She drank diet soda and ate a hind leg of pig with you and I?” Drop the “you and.” Which is correct? “She drank diet soda and ate a hind leg of pig with I,” or “She drank diet soda and ate a hind leg of pig with me”? Get it? So, here you would use, “you and me”: She drank diet soda and ate a hind leg of pig with you and me.

Farther or Further?

This one, I just learned. Use “farther” when you’re talking about distance. Use “further” when you’re talking about time or amount. “The rotting dog is farther up the road.” That’s correct, because we’re talking about distance. “I’d like to give my CUC bill further thought before paying it.” That’s correct, because we mean “more thought.” The mistake people commonly make is to say “further” when they mean “farther.” “We need to go further to avoid the E. Coli on this sandy beach.” That is not correct, because we are talking about distance, and so we should say “farther.”

Toward or Towards?

This one is easy. Both “toward” and “towards” are correct, mean the same thing, and are interchangeable. “Come toward the crazed chicken,” means the same as “Come towards the crazed chicken.” So which should you use? Easy – if you speak American English, use “toward.” If you speak British English, use “towards.” What about us? Since we’re basically under the American system, we can say, “Come fan toward the crazed chicken.”

Book Cover Completed!

Here it is! The designers have completed work on the cover of my new book, "World Peace, a Blind Wife, and Gecko Tails." I'm very happy with it. I though the designers were very creative to depict a fairly complex title. The next step is the interior layout design, and then printing. I was hoping it would be out by Thanksgiving, but it looks like it will be a bit later.

How to Eat Out with Kids and Keep Your Dignity

(Here's my column from today's Saipan Tribune.)

We were in Guam a while ago, and were staying with our friends who are first-time parents. Their child is two – the same age as our youngest. For those of you who haven’t gone through it yet, let me tell you, the first kid is a shock to the system. It’s stressful trying to figure out the workings of a baby and adjust to frazzled sleepless nights. The thought of ever having more than one of these critters is incomprehensible to the first-time parent. At that point in your life you cannot imagine that some day you may look back and think, “One kid was eeeaaasy.” When a few more kids come along, you’ll think, “One kid?! That was hardly stressful!” After our second child was born, I realized how simple it was to just have one. When people would ask me about the transition of going to two kids, I would respond “One kid is a hobby.”

Nevertheless, our friends, like many first time parents, were frazzled. I introduced them to the idea of how to eat out, and they were so liberated by the simplest of concepts.

The reason it’s hard to eat out with young kids is that they don’t sit still and they don’t like to wait. The eating part isn’t so bad. It’s the waiting-for-the-food part that leads to mayhem and beaded sweat on your upper lip. So, Mara and I long ago came upon a simple solution: we place the order from home.

We have the menus of our favorite restaurants at home, and when we do want to go out to eat, one of us becomes the waiter and collects everyone’s order. We call the restaurant, and place the order. The restaurant inevitably asks “Will this be for take out or delivery?” and we say, “We’re eating there. We’re coming with kids, so we want to have the food ready when we get there.” They understand. They are soooo thankful. After all, they don’t want our kids sitting idle for 20 minutes waiting for the food to arrive, because, well, they won’t be sitting idle. They’ll be shooting spitballs, making toothpick forts, spilling water, torturing one another by looking at each other, dropping silverware, wasting napkins, and commenting way too loudly about the wads of chewing gum stuck under the tables. So the restaurant loves that we call ahead. We walk in, they whisk the food out as we pull out our chairs, we eat, and go home with minimal disruption to anyone’s sunny disposition.

That’s all. Nothing earth-shattering. Very easy. Call ahead and order so the food is ready when you get there. It’s a way to reclaim your dignity… sort of… or maybe not really. After all, you’re still carrying a diaper-bag and wearing a “dad badge” – that patch of dried drool on your shirt.

Propeller-Headed Penguin Boy Strung Up, Beaten.

Bystanders Join In, Eat Entrails, Abuse Corpse.

Saipan Dining Adventures

My friend and colleague, Mark, and his wife, Bev have probably eaten in every restaurant on Saipan. They have an adventurous streak, which you have to have to explore the full range of dining experiences here.

Take for example the time they went back to the new Mexican restaurant. The burritos had been fantastic the first time, so they returned for a “known known.” Again, the burritos came smothered in sour cream. But the first bite betrayed the true identify of tonight’s sour cream. Not sour cream. What is that taste? It's familiar. Could it be...??? Yep. Sure enough. Thick rich creamy white mayonnaise glopped on top of that hapless burrito. Yummy. The kitchen was out of sour cream, so the cook used the next best thing – the next white thing. Mayonnaise. Makes perfect sense. That’s why you just keep eating.

The following week they ventured out to a Korean restaurant. They are warmly welcomed at the door with halting English and a sense of excitement that real live Americans are visiting the establishment. This could be a new beginning, a whole new market! Mark and Bev are seated with grace and a flourish at a table for two, a red plastic rose on the white plastic tablecloth. They are given menus.

One of the nicest things about many Asian restaurants is that the menus include photos of the food, which is necessary in this case, because the rest of the menu is in Korean. But the photos are still not completely helpful to Mark and Bev, because they are only slightly larger than a flattened clove of garlic.

Mark strains to make out the details of the pictures. Bev can do no better. The logical thing to do is to ask the waitress for help -- try to get enough of a description from her to make an informed choice. So they begin, and ever so slowly, work their way, item by item, down the menu. The waitress struggles to find words – any words – but particularly words for foods that have no English equivalent. “Is this spinach?,” asks Mark, pointing to the picture. “No,” says the waitress. “Is it kelp?,” asks Bev. “What ‘kelp?,’” inquires the waitress. “Oh, kelp is like seaweed,” offers Mark “What seaweed?,” asks the waitress. “Seaweed is nori,” explains Bev, drawing on her knowledge of a Japanese word that might be familiar to the waitress. “Ahhhh,” says the waitress as her face lights up, “No, not nori.” “What is it then?” asks Mark. “Like spinach,” reports the waitress. Ahhhh, full circle. Not spinach. Like spinach.

Mark and Bev are enjoying their detective work and are quite content to explore the menu in this way. But the waitress, who has never experienced happy inquisitive Americans before, must believe that Mark and Bev are struggling and suffering as much as she is through this ordeal to place a simple order.

Eager to bring some relief to everyone, she offers a great solution. “Maybe you go eat someplace else. Maybe someplace that have spaghetti.”

In that instant, her suggestion doesn’t quite register with Mark and Bev. But after a few seconds pass, their comprehension catches up with their hearing. Did she really just ask us to leave?? To go eat spaghetti??? They glance at each other over their menus and try to hold back their laughter.

Undeterred and ever adventurous, Mark and Bev plow forward, asking a few more questions, making a decision, ordering their meals, and enjoying it all. And tonight they have an opportunity to use their recently gained knowledge -- to taste everything white to make sure it’s not mayonnaise in disguise.

Oh, you mean, "How old is your daughter!"

Mara and I have a date night once a week. This week we went out to Giovanni’s for a nice dinner. We then drove down to “The Beans” to get some dessert, but they were already closed. Being so far south, we decided to head over to PIC and just walk around the resort. After a bit of a stroll, we headed into the gift shop to browse. We were holding up some swim suits that might fit our 8 year-old daughter. The sales person came over to help and said only two words: “How old?”. I looked at her, paused, pretended to be puzzled, and said “Forty-four.”

When multilingual communications offer the opportunity to cause confusion, take the opportunity. Even she laughed at my answer.

The relationship between moral health & a blind wife

I called our friend Marta to invite her to dinner. Her housekeeper answered the phone. “Good afternoon, this is Mary.” Quite impressive, I think, to be greeted with a time-of-day specific salutation and a name. “Hi, this is David. Is Marta home?” “Sorry, Sir. Nothing Marta.” Over the years, I learned that “Nothing Marta” does not mean that Marta has been vaporized. She is simply not home.

Now I am faced with a choice. Should I leave a message, or call back later? What would you do?

I’m feeling both lucky and a little dangerous, so I decide to leave a message. “Could you write this down please?” I ask, realizing that maybe I don’t feel as lucky or as dangerous as I first thought. “Nothing pencil. For a while, sir.” I listen to papers shuffling and wait for Mary to come back to the phone. “Okay sir.” “Please write this down and give it to Marta when she returns home.” “Okay sir. Ready.” “Dinner tonight,” I say. “Okay, ‘Dinner tonight,’” she repeats slowly as she writes it down. “Five o’clock.” “Okay, ‘Five o’clock,’” she writes. “David and Mara’s House.” “Okay, ‘David’s moral health,’” she writes.

Huh? Say what? What happened? Did “David and Mara’s house” really become “David’s moral health”? I guess it did. I’m fluent in English, and conversant in two other languages in which I often miss things, so I know some funny things can happen on the way to mutual understanding. And I am not conversant in any of this region’s languages, so I can’t quickly switch to Mary’s native tongue to clarify things. So we’re stuck right here at “David’s moral health.” What should I do? Keep trying? Give up? What would you do?

I pride myself on my perseverance (i.e. I’m hard-headed), so I decide to keep going. I will say it again, offering some clarification. It never crosses my mind that the clarification could possibly lead to further confusion.

Here I go. “No, ‘David and MARA’s HOUSE,’ NOT ‘David’s moral health.’” “Ohhhh,” she says. “David not have moral health?”

Time to change tactics. “Mary, if it’s okay with you, I’m going to spell this. Are you ready?” “Yes sir.” “D-A-V-I-D A-N-D M-A-R-A-S H-O-U-S-E.” She repeats each letter as she writes them down, getting it perfectly, except that she adds an “i” to “Mara,” making it “Maria.”

I should stop, don’t you think? But I can’t. I’m thinking to myself, there are lots of Maria’s on this island. Marta might know a “David & Maria,” and could end up at their house for dinner, causing an awkward moment for everyone just because I didn’t want to clarify things. There is only one “David & Mara” on Saipan. Best to clarify. And plus, I realize that Mary is going to give a message to Marta about Mara who has morphed into Maria, so surely, by pursuing this a bit further, there is more humor to be had. I keep going.

“Mary,” I say, “Mara is my wife. Her name is MARA , not MARIA. MARA has no “i”. “Ahhhh,” she exclaims sadly, “Your wife nothing eyes? Cannot see?”

I pause, and realize that I am, in this moment, truly content. I am in the midst of one of those beautiful multicultural multilingual Saipan moments, that make you want to either laugh, or shoot yourself, or if you are fully experiencing the nuances of the situation, both. I offer to call back later, smile, and head off to ponder the pity that Mary must feel for me, my blind wife and my poor moral health.